| Wonderland |
[30 Dec 2003|01:08am] |
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"Words (Original Radio Version)" by Dance Nation |
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So I see this is what is left of wonderland.. I wake up and the records are still here.. My imginary world has only left a record of what has happened while I slept. Brief moments of truth have poked through this.. but that is all. The past three years have been magical but I only bring so much out of them. Memomries of friends as they were.. They will only be parts of my imagination. Who is Kate Kasten... I knew her, but soon after imet her... my world went dark.. and she turned into the false illusion of a friend. thus wonderland was born. I met many people on my journey through this magical place. Some of my true friends had left me but they came back. I got caught in the darkness. Bewitched by its beauty. As I wake up I see that it wasn't all bad. My friends are still my friends.. They worried about me the whole time, Wondering if i would ever wake up. Even some people who Were only in my dream became a reality. Most notable the person who woke me up. Amber. She was the one who worked so hard to wake me up out of the trechery of wonderland. Ben had also worked just as hard, but he knew only I could wake myself up. Now that I am awake, my time with him is limited. For he is leaving soon. It's too bad that I was asleep this long not to truely appreciate the meaning of our friendship till now. The last person I wonder about is Kasey? Is she real? If she is, I know she was truely in wonderland, and can she see past my zombie state. I cared for her infinately there, and I can do that in the real world. So this is a closure of wonderland. I am now awake. never again will there be writing in this ol journal, for it is a tale of the past. And I have moved on. Goodbye to you who were a part of my dream.
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| I need to wake up |
[29 Dec 2003|11:44pm] |
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I wish people would just let things be. I want to start my life over. Can't they see that?
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[29 Dec 2003|05:41pm] |
I'm done with the lies, I can't take this anymore. Kate and Kasey don't understand. They think it was because i couldn't get a ride home from mayfair. That is far from the truth. They didn't have the decency to respect my wishes not to have sex on my mothers couch// WHILE I WAS SITTING THERE. This is totally differnet then what happened with Steve and I in the back seat of her car. She was the one who said to go Do that... And we didnt even go THAt far... it was like.. DAH! SO I was venting to Amber and she told me .. like many others have.. "They are using you.. this is just going to end up hurting you in the end. Plus Kate had her chance with Kasey, and she blew it.. She hurt Kasey to much. She can't ever hurt her again and that is the road she is taking. " So Amber tels me since Kasey is still 16 and Kate is 20 I should tell Kasey's Mom... Since she is a minor her mother stil has the legal right to make her decisions for her. PLus Kate is too old for Kasey. So I cal Kasey's mom, and tel her I am sorry for lying to her all this time.. and this is the truth... I kept it vague at first, then she called em back and asked for details. So I gave them to her..
DOes this make me a bad person? Have I made a wrong decision in looking out for myslef and Kasey?
So Kate cals me up crying her eyes out.. saying I broke her up with her girlfriend. The one person she ever truely loved.. What is this? Kate and Love in the same sentence.. NO one knows what to believe anymore. She's lied to many people and then everyone gets pissed at her. But eventually they all forgive her for some ungodly reason. Many people, including myself, think that right now.. she is uncapable of any form of emotion such as love toward anyone. All I know is.. I have done the right thing. and I don't regret any of it. And I won't ever. This is me growing up... I can't take lying to people so people can be together. I'm done with the drama. A responsible adult takes all aspects into account and thinks things through. Maybe I don't agree That I am an Adult, but I agree that I am on my way.
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| Year in Review |
[29 Dec 2003|01:49pm] |
1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before? Got high
2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't have a new years resolution at all this ast year.. but I have a hell of them for 04
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No
4. Did anyone close to you die? No
5. What countries did you visit? The Country Sampler... That place counts right?
6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003? Worthy firends and a strong relatioship with someone.
7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? June 6th .. the begining of Pride fest that was a good time
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting over Adam, ummmm, and a recent one... Telling Kate and Kasey to fuck off.
9. What was your biggest failure? Realyzing I a a pushover, (more than I thought)
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No
11. What was the best thing you bought? Ummm.... Utena, Buffy, Sailor Moon, Trance CDs, yeah it's all trivial.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Kasey's
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Kate's
14. Where did most of your money go? Utena
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Seeing Brad
16. What song will always remind you of 2003? 4 Strings : Take me Away (Into the Night)
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. Happier or sadder? Sader
ii. Thinner or fatter? Fatter
iii. Richer or poorer? Poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Meeting new people.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Spending time with Kate
20. How will you be spending Christmas? Ummm... with my sailor moon dollies
What happened to 21? That's '05
22. Did you fall in love in 2003? No
23. How many one-night stands? lets think.... 3
24. What was/were your favorite TV program(s)? Buffy. GO TARA
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Kate, and Kasey... I can't believe them.
26. What was the best book you read? Savage Love, by Dan Savage
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? TRANCE... notably 4 strings and Ian Van dahl and Lasgo
28. What did you want and get? More of the Utena Series
29. What did you want and not get? To finish the Utena Series
30. What was your favorite film of this year? Pirates of the Caribbean
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I went to dinner with everyone... 19
32. Whats one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? someone to love
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003? I look too much like Kate
34. What kept you sane? Amber, Sarah, and the countless other people that don't put me in the middle of shit.
35. Celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?Clay Aiken and Amber Benson
36. What political issue stirred you the most? Gay Marriage
37. Who did you miss? Adam, and Sarah when she's not home... and coming soon... Ben
38. Who was the best new person you met? A number comes to my mind... Becca, Pam, Brad, Claire, Kasey, Rachel, Olivia, I think thats all
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003. Don't listen to people if you think they're using you.. They tell you to stand up for yourself, but really... when you do it to them.. they hate you forever...
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I can't change
The way we live today
It's just a matter of exceptance anyway
I can't change
The pain we have to face
All our worries in time will fade away
In time will fade away (repeats)
I can't change
How people think today
Maybe it's better
There's nothing left to say
I don't care
How people think today
Maybe it's better
There's nothing left to say
There's nothing left to say (repeats)
I don't care
About the way we live today
I'm just a part of the game we have to play
I don't care
What people have to say
All our worries in time will fade away
I can't change
How people think today
Maybe it's better
There's nothing left to say
I don't care
How people think today
Maybe it's better
There's nothing left to say
There's nothing left to say
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| I hate Lesbianism |
[24 Dec 2003|02:16am] |
Today I celebrate Christmas with my new Negavision tape... btw... somw voices are awesome, and some really suck.
BTW Kate and Kasey were over last night.
Lets not gwet into that.
DAH!!!!!!
They are so lucky Sailor Moon was on.
-Adam
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| The sound of Goodbye |
[22 Dec 2003|09:47pm] |
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nk and Jones Short Cut)" by Perpetuous Dreamer |
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Sometimes. The sound of Goodbye is louder than any drumbeat
Sometimes. The sound of Goodbye is louder than any drumbeat
Every face I see is cold as ice.
Everything I touch is pain.
Ever since I lost Imagination.
Like the stream that flows into the sea.
I am lost for all eternity
Ever since you took your love away from me.
Sometimes. The sound of Goodbye is louder than any drumbeat
Sometimes. The sound of Goodbye is louder than any drumbeat
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[22 Dec 2003|09:25pm] |
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So Kate calls to apologize. What should I do?
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| Wrong Choices |
[22 Dec 2003|02:39am] |
The only "friends only" entry goes as follows
I feel like I have made some wrong choices. What are these choices? Kate. I don't know why I did it. I thought she was my friend. Both Steve and I thought she was our friend. And now, because she's an evil cunt, she wants to throw us away. Well here's what she thinks
She wants to control everyone, this means she wants everyone to live in fear of her. On Saturday evening we hasd this nice conversation on the phone where she said I should not let anyone control me, and I should stand up for myself. So thats what I do.
The Next Day I buy one of the Best CDs ever. (The Cream of Female Vocal Trance) So I call her up on her phone and tell her about it. She says she wants it. So I say, "Don't Worry, I'll make you a copy." and she says. "HELL NO. I WANT THE REAL ONE! MAKE YOURSELF A GODDAMN COPY! THAT CD IS MINE" She knows how I have like no money and now she thinks she deserves random gifts? I think not. So now, I tell her 'Kate, You know how you tell me to stand up for myself? Now I am doing it. I can't afford to give you this. I can make you a copy and later on when I have money, I can buy you a real one and have it shipped to you at the naval academy." She says "Goodbye Adam"
WTF
What do I do about this?
The Reason why I am wrting about this is, Kasey. I made a bad decision reguarding her. Kate said she had to talk to Kasey again, So I try to work it out, and Kasey gets mad at me beyond all belief. (she had a right to) n Kate should never talk to Kasey, she hurt her to much. I should have realyzed that. Now things are all hell with Kasey, and I feel bad about it. I will never have that closeness with her again. It was a mistake I made diliberately. I can't deal with Kate anymore. She is trying to control everyone she knows. WHen things don't go her way she blows up about it. The thing is. She needs to wake up and realyze she is no different than anyone else, except for her psychological problems, which btw means she should not be in the naval academy. She has problems that She needs help with. A professional could prolly not even help her.
Why did I think she was fun? All she does is ruin people's lives oveer and over again.
She will never know the meaning of friendship, love, and compassion.
Kasey, Do not listen to any bullshit Kate says. it's all lies. She is falling subject to her own manipulation, She deserves it after what she put you through. Apologies again about everything including the party at Bryn's. All I know is I have to get away from her before I become so weak willed that I have no free will at all. She needs to grow up, She is the real weak one. She has very low self esteem, and it shows because she has to control everyone around her or she's not even happy. Do not think about anything she caled and told you. Those are lies. Go on with Colin. Kate should not interfere with you. Anything I can do to get her away from you and everyone I will gladly do. I can't live with this manipulation anymore. Steve can't either. We are going to forever withdraw ourselves from Kate, because she is no good for anyone. Amber was right.
btw.. Here is a song that reminds me of Kasey
I can still remember long ago
living in the fast lane, never slow.
and nothing that could come between me and you.
I still hear the words I thought were cheap
"You should always look before you leap"
And I never realized those words were, oh, So true.
I hope that you can hear me
Though you're living in another world
Throwing shadows up on Earth.
In your eyes
I could drown and still survive.
In your eyes
I can see how to live my life
But if only I knew
The chances were few
Maybe I would still be with you
Sever all the thoughts I can't define
Living on a dream since I could climb
But every now and then it's hard to ignore.
Because only in my dreams I find a clue
when I try to build a memory of you
I know our love will be much stronger than before.
I hope that you can hear me
Though you're living in another world
Throwing shadows up on Earth.
In your eyes
I could drown and still survive.
In your eyes
I can see how to live my life
But if only I knew
The chances were few
Maybe I would still be with you
This song is "In Your Eyes" by Sylver. It kind of suits this. Saying I made a wrong decision, when I was happy with the other one.
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[20 Dec 2003|12:14am] |
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Excessive horniness leads to excessive use of mouthwash
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| FLAVA IS BACK |
[18 Dec 2003|01:59am] |
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So yeah. My fav message board is back and has been for a while. I am glad I can spend quality time on there. YAY
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[16 Dec 2003|03:22am] |
So i just Finished "Angels in America" 6 hours of my life well spent. This is one of the best programs i had ever seen. It is beautifully written, and I enjoyed it trememdously. My Only thought at the end.. is "What happened to Joe?" (You know the closeted Mormon Guy. I mean at the end you see his mom, and then nothing.
Well... does anyone know of any plans to release this on DVD?
Adam
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[16 Dec 2003|01:55am] |
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Yo everyone. I suggest you all see the speecial on HBO "Angels in America." It is beyond awesome. Anyone who has seen it, leave a comment.
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| Mister pumpkin, lactose intolerant, genital wart infested, Moon prism power MAN |
[15 Dec 2003|01:28am] |
Hey everyone.
Word on the street is, Kasey doesn't hate me anymore. We have no problems with each other. YAY! Well I think it's a YAY. Sarah is home now I am so excited. So is Brad. I'm even more excited. Everything is going to be soo awesome. I love everyone. But I have a final tomarrow...(today) and its at 10. I better start studying.
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| Kasey |
[10 Dec 2003|08:43pm] |
This is rediculous.. Kasey is being dumb. I just IMed Colin to see if i could put him on my firends list and he said ok.. this is what Kasey replied with.
Emeraldgreenrose: leave colin alone
Emeraldgreenrose: goodbye
AdemuAVA: Im not doing anything wrong
Emeraldgreenrose: he doesn't want to talk to you, so goodbye now
AdemuAVA: Kasey why are you being so irrational im just tryiong to be nice
AdemuAVA: you dont understand how much all this tears me up.. and I just want to be nice and civil and you are making it difficult
Emeraldgreenrose: I have no desire to talk to you, and I wish you would leave it alone. You know how I am, you know how I can be. You know that once someone burns me that's it. Now go away.
Emeraldgreenrose: the end
Emeraldgreenrose: goodbye
AdemuAVA: then why leave a message saying maybe someday?
Emeraldgreenrose: maybe someday you'll grow up is waht I meant
Emeraldgreenrose: duh
AdemuAVA: well stop being a bitch about it... please
AdemuAVA: i never intended to be on these terms with you
AdemuAVA: i will never hate you
Emeraldgreenrose: then go the fuck away! I dont' initiate conversations with you until you give me a reason to!
Emeraldgreenrose: GO AWAY
Emeraldgreenrose: GOODBYE NOW
AdemuAVA: I will not go away until you see that you are being stupid
AdemuAVA: you are blowing everything out of perportion.. .it doesn't have to be like this
Emeraldgreenrose: go away.
AdemuAVA: if anything it is just you being insecure.
Emeraldgreenrose: you're being a fuckass. I'm not being dramatic at all, I am simply telling you that I have no desire to speak with you anymore. I have no desire to speak with lots of ppl, it doesn't make me insecure or w/e
Emeraldgreenrose: now go away, I dont' like you.
AdemuAVA: well i still like you
Emeraldgreenrose: GOODBYE
Emeraldgreenrose signed off at 9:04:31 PM.
AdemuAVA: no matter how much you say you hate me i wont have any ill feelings toward you
Thats the end.
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[08 Dec 2003|08:59pm] |
It has come to my attention that I miss everyone so damn much. (Thusly Bryn, Amber and Kasey) The bad thing is, I can’t stand the thought that they all could somehow hate me. I hear from Steve that Bryn hates me. I know that Kasey hates me. And from that Amber hates me. How can this happen? Have I chosen a wrong path. Most likely not. One thing I have always wanted was for Rachel and Kasey to be friends again. I just really miss the randomness of Bryn. GO BRYN. I love Bryn. I just wish she loved me. Hell.. Kate says I shouldn’t worry about it too much, because I did nothing wrong. (With the acception of the misinterpretation of the whole Kasey thing. :Kasey I still love you: but yeah.) I wish I really had Bryn and Amber back. If either one of you are reading this… call me… I miss you.. I will talk out any problems you have with me. Just give me a chance to explain myself. FUCK I sound like I’m in high school. Cant we all be adults about a childish misunderstanding? No? I guess not. What ever happened to the Crazy Fucks? I guess like the name says… “We FUCKED up”
BTW this confusion is killing me.
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[08 Dec 2003|12:08am] |
This is What My friend Ben wrote as his take on Kiriyuu Nanami from Shoujo Kakumei Utena....
well, maybe her story arc goes thusly: after all the happenings at school, she is commited to a mental hospital. she spends thirty years there until the doctors say she's ready to rejoin society. She ends up living alone in an abondoned and dilapidated shack near some train tracks and has 200 odd pet cats. And she takes too much acid one day, sacrifices all her cats to sanity, and runs toward a trian thinking it's the light at the end of the tunnel, calling out 'big brother!'
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| Gasp... The Utena in us all |
[08 Dec 2003|12:08am] |
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mood |
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"Damaged" by Plumb |
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Well The past weekend I was working... DAMN WORK. And no my sailor Moon Stars Negavision hadm't come as of yet. Maybe tomarrow. O well. School is in its final week. I am pretty excitred about that. About a month and a half to just sit. YAY FOR SITTING. But the lack there of friends that I have at the moment makes it hard. And the lack of Utena Makes it even harder. I NEED UTENA. Maybe I'll spend uber time with Sarah. We need to hang more. I love Sarah. I hate rambling by the way. Which is exactly what I am doing. I need sleep. But i dont want to. Maybe I should call Adam tomarrow. I havent seen him in forever.
Adam
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[04 Dec 2003|02:41am] |
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mood |
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( Click )
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[04 Dec 2003|12:35am] |
WOW! What a suprise! You're an "Elite
Queer." Everyone knows you, you're
beautiful, always in style, mommy and daddy buy
you everything, And the most popular in the gay
scene
What kind of queer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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